Thursday, December 3, 2009

Top Ten Reasons...

…Annette has been MIA from her blog for almost 2 months:

10. She spent too much time making panda ears for Halloween and got carpal tunnel.

9. She went on a TV bender and watched seasons 1 thru 4 of Showtime’s Weeds on DVD, back-to-back.

8. To make up for her sloth-like behavior, she scrubbed the top of the refrigerator for hours like a Polish maid, turning her hands into bloody stumps. (you can’t type with bloody stumps)

7. In her pursuit to become the household dictator, Lia squeezes her fists into tight little balls, grits her teeth together and grunts so loud and so hard that she turns red…doing her best impression of a miniature Heat Miser whenever Mommy doesn’t focus ALL attention on Her Highness. (which makes it impossible for Mommy to even take a shower...much to the dismay of the Baby-daddy)

6. After sleeping off the 20 lb turkey she made for JUST 2 PEOPLE in an effort to prove she could “Do Thanksgiving” by herself, she went shopping on Black Friday and got sucked into the vortex of hell...otherwise known as crazed masses of humanity running over each other with their shopping carts in their quest to max out their credit cards as "Buy One Get One Free!" supersedes any sense of normalcy.

5. She spent three days shopping for and setting up the Christmas tree last week, which today is still a naked tree with lights…no decorations, just lights. (Lia will one day ask her parents why we are the only family that still has their tree up in June…no decorations, with half the lights burnt out and the other half flickering like a sad neon beer sign, Charlie Brown-style)

4. She wasted many hours creating this Santa’s Helper avatar of herself. (too bad I stopped breastfeeding…my boobs will never look this good again)

3. Aliens abducted her and left a Stepford wife in her place. (wouldn’t that make the Baby-daddy happy)

2. She’s in neurotic first-birthday-planning mode, obsessing over something the guest of honor will never remember.

And the NUMBER ONE reason Annette has been MIA from her blog…

1. In an effort to baby-proof, Annette pulled everything out of the cupboards and got trapped somewhere between the stale Cheerios monument and the landslide of baking soda she was hoarding under the sink. We may never see her again. (my shopping expenditures at Costco alone should turn around this freaking recession…what have I turned in to?? Next thing you know I’ll be wearing pajamas to Wal-Mart.)


Truth is…I can’t stop squeezing my cute little peanut long enough to sit at the computer and write! And did I mention she’s walking now???

So weird to see a 2 foot tall little person scampering across the floor. Reminds me of that Bugs Bunny episode where the drunken stork accidentally delivers a giant baby to an average Brady Bunch-type household instead of the “Giant” family at the top of the beanstalk. Took me a while to find this…anyone remember it?

And if you have a few minutes, watch the episode here…the part I think of whenever Lia stumbles across the room into my arms is around the 4 minute mark when the giant baby is learning to walk -- he falls over and squashes his father:

Hope everyone is having a happy holiday so far! Take some advice from me…do NOT let yourself get caught up in creating perfect holiday moments…it’s too easy to get sidetracked with Martha Stewart compulsions when what is truly important is sitting right in front of you, reaching out her tiny hand, just wanting a little piece of your heart.



Post a Comment