Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Water World

After observing the lives of fish for the past few months, it has become very clear to me that they are not too different from their human captors who have imprisoned them behind glass.


There is a very pregnant red Molly in our tank ready to burst – mostly hiding from her male counterpart, desperately swimming up and down the side of the tank looking for an escape. The male Molly chases her. Always has his eye on her. Traps her in the corner. Head butts her if she doesn’t behave the way he wants her to. He’s terrorizing her!

Dolphins are like this. As much as I love dolphins (have a tattoo on my back, swam with wild Spinners in Hawaii…can’t wait to go back…love to watch them play with the surfers when I go to the beach…yada yada)…this behavior shocked me when I first learned about it. Basically, when a female dolphin is sexually receptive, 2 or 3 males will trap her and hold her captive for up to a month, brutalizing her if she tries to escape and repeatedly gang-raping her! It’s horrible.

Anyway, I feel for the poor little preggo in our tank. She just wants to be left alone! I want to slap the stupid male and scream at him in fish-speak, “Stop harassing her! She’s pregnant for God’s sake! Stupid man...put your penis away!!”

Look at her…the photos are a bit blurry (camera not good for taking action shots indoors) …she’s the bulging red fish. The little red a$$-hole constantly stalks her. Never leaving her alone. Incessant, freaking torture...




GET OFF OF HER DAMMIT!!

Monday, September 28, 2009

What comes around…

We enjoyed more touristy things this weekend…LACMA, La Brea Tar Pits and Abbot Kinney Festival.

Abbot Kinney Fest was fun ~ introduced Lia to a LOT of sights, sounds and a few unfortunate smells (which happens wherever masses of humanity gather). She’s becoming less sensitive to over-stimulation. Yey! Just a month ago, when I sneezed she would cry. But she happily let us drag her around all weekend...thank God. I was beginning to worry that she wouldn't enjoy her first Led Zeppelin reunion tour. Of course, Page & Plant will be performing from their wheelchairs by then...

Funny thing about the Tar Pits, I used to work in an office next door when I first arrived in LA. Bored to tears of course. Yet another temp gig in the unstable career of a creative soul. But I was working in Entertainment! Should have felt lucky, right?


At lunch time, to escape from my atrophying brain, I would sit and stare at the animatronic mastodons, conjuring up their inner monologues --- most days they were plotting to liberate themselves from their liquid asphalt prison so they could terrorize everyone in the park and eat all the screaming little children that had been throwing stones at them all day through fence.

Then I made the mistake of texting these thoughts to my friends I had just left in Chicago. They thought I was going bat-sh*t crazy and were discussing an intervention.

I told them not to worry, I was simply living vicariously through my animatronic friends while plotting MY liberation from temp hell.

Now...here I am almost 3 years later bringing my screaming little child to visit those same mastodons still trapped behind their fenced enclosure. Only this time, it was a very bitter sweet reunion. Gone was my acidic sarcasm, and in its place…

complete joy

wrapped up

in a little
19 pound

ball of love

we call Lia.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

People Watching

Even though the little love bug gets me up at the ass-crack of dawn every day no matter what time she goes to bed {ugh}, there’s something quite lovely about sitting out on the front deck enjoying a cup of tea with my favorite little person perched on my lap babbling away at the trees, the birds, the cars, the boys on skateboards, the homeless person and his shopping cart (this is southern California), the gargantuan spider that has woven itself a home overnight between the trees below…just watching the world go round.

Who needs the rat race?

I’ll settle for people watching with my daughter any day.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

She said Mama!


A breakthrough in human communication occurred in our household this morning!

When I held our wee bundle of joy high up in the air above my head…she babbled away in a very sweet, high-pitched little voice. Suddenly she paused, looked down at me with those intense dark green eyes and said the magic word…

“MAMA”

I cried. Tears of joy streaming down my face!

Of course…we have no way of really knowing if she consciously linked her verbal musings to the woman who gives her boob every day. But in MY mind, she’s a BRILLIANT orator!

I’ve got her future all planned out...

  • After her rapid advancement through grade school, jumping several grades a time, she’ll graduate top of her high school class at the age of 12, delivering the most memorial valedictorian speech since Weird Al Yankovic.
  • She’s accepted into Yale Drama School and minors in Linguistics and Fine Art.
  • Graduate school will consist of Political Science, Geology and Biochemistry.
  • Upon graduation, she will travel the world enjoying a fabulous career as an actor/director/writer/photographer/painter and is the first woman to sweep all categories at the Academy Awards for her work on a single film.
  • She’ll then shift into politics, focus on world policy and wipe up the mess we’ve created all over the planet.
  • Reverses global warming.
  • Finds a cure for cancer.
  • Is honored by the World Health Organization for highest achievement EVER in medicine.
  • Takes time off to write and grabs the Pulitzer in Literature as best novelist of all time.
  • Humbly accepts the Nobel Peace Prize.
  • Becomes the world’s richest woman.
  • Gives all her money to charity.
  • And to her mom.

I guess I should start working on getting her to say “Dada”…

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Oh happy day!! Daddy made it all better. Went to the fishy store and bought new fishies! Cleaned the tank and baby is happy again! Well…mommy is very happy. Baby is still at that clueless age.

Anyway, trout reference…remember this video? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZhZip41FAec

…or does this date me too much? Anyone who grew up in the 70’s knows this Bugs Bunny episode. All of the Bugs Bunny musicals are brilliant. Just explore them on YouTube…you’ll see.

Bugs Rocks.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

A sad day…

We have fish. We used to have lots of fish. Simple fish in a simple tank. Nothing fancy. But Lia loved the fish. We loved the fish. The tank sits right next to her high chair. She’s been mesmerized by those fish since her daddy brought them home 6 months ago. They calm her. They soothe her parents.

Now, there are no more fish. All the fish died overnight. Daddy cleaned the tank before bed. Not sure what happened, but it hit me hard this morning when I found them all lying in the bottom of the tank.

I cried.

Insomnia and PMS doesn’t help. I’m just glad I don’t have to explain mortality to our daughter yet. She’s too young to know why there are no more fish.

It’s a very sad day in our household.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Confession

After another sleepless night, I made myself some strong black tea, stirred in a little honey…just seconds away from bliss…and when I poured milk into the cup…it curdled!

CURSES!

I was desperate for my morning jolt. After scouring the kitchen for soy milk, ice cream, whipped cream, ANYTHING that resembled milk, and coming up empty-handed…I succumbed and used my daughter’s formula as creamer.

Since my milk supply is dwindling and we now have to supplement, I recently bought the very expensive Enfamil Lipil thinking no expense would be spared for my daughter.

HA…joke was on me.

The Little Monster, er…I mean, our daughter, rejected it! She refuses to drink it. Absolutely R-E-F-U-S-E-S. Throws her head to the side in disgust and pushes the bottle away with her hand as if to say...

“DO YOU NOT KNOW WHO I AM? Do you expect me to consume that putrid swill?!? I could have you drawn and quartered for that you peasant! But I suppose that wouldn’t be very befitting of a princess…you did, after all, give birth to me.”

But I don’t blame her, it tasted bitter. Jesus. Poor kid. So, I thought I’d try the Kirkland brand from Costco, and it does taste sweeter - like real mother’s milk. And bonus, it wasn’t too shabby in my tea! Just think of all the vitamins I’m getting.

Plus, it’s a HELL of a lot cheaper.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Celebrity Sighting

My OB/GYN was a guest on a talk show this morning. She’s actually got her own daytime talk show. I learned about that show by accident when I had to see an on-call doc during my pregnancy because of her “shooting schedule”.

“What shooting schedule?” I asked the nurse.

“For her show.”

“She’s got her own show?”

“Yes, didn’t you know?”

“Well, no…I didn’t. I’m not a pop culture whore nor did I expect that someone else might deliver my baby because she’s busy getting her makeup done.”

[Silence]

That office visit didn’t go well.

Anyway. I have a celebrity doctor. A celebrity doctor delivered my baby.

Just another day in Hollyweird…

Betty Crocker Lives!

Well, not quite Betty Crocker (if she were an actual human and not an invented personality, she’d be rolling over in her grave). Which, by the way, was very smart of General Mills but very disappointing to me when I realized as a young adult she wasn’t real. Makes me think of the TV show, Madmen. GREAT show. But man, those ad guys were professional con-artists-slash-spin-doctors back then. You don’t have to like it (in fact, it’s appalling), but what they did for the cigarette industry was nothing short of brilliant.

ANYWAY >>> I did, however, have a little spurt of domesticity the other day. Must have been the full moon. Ask my mom…I was born wearing pants in a family of 5 men.

So, this is what happened during my manic mommy phase…

I bought some organic veggies & fruit and made baby food!!!


It’s so very simple. And trust me…if I can do it, ANYONE can. It’s easy to buy organic jarred food from the store (I always try to buy organic…Earth’s Best is my favorite, but Gerber has an organic line as well); however, the truly Eco-friendly moms cook their own. (Disclaimer: I am in no way, shape or form claiming that I am an “Eco Mom” raising an “Eco Baby”.) I DO TRY, but I fail. {sigh} I am the mom that shows up at the eco-friendly mommy groups and changes my daughter’s Huggies in the corner so no one can see that I’m using disposable. I don’t have my crap together yet to spend that much time on my daughter’s butt. I was a bit overwhelmed at becoming pregnant at 39. Yes, that's an excuse. I know. Maybe if I had a Nanny…

Okay, back to COOKING ~

Pears were ridiculously easy:

1. I cored and pealed 2 pears.
2. Steamed them until soft.
3. Put them in my cheapo $10 food processor I bought from Target.
4. Pureed them until they were nice and smooth.
5. Spooned them into my little Earth’s Best baby food jars that I ran through the dishwasher twice to disinfect.
6. Put them in the freezer!

See, I told you…easy breezy :)

For the yams, I peeled and cut them up into chunks, stuck them in a covered Pyrex dish with about a half cup of water, and baked them at 350 degrees (I rarely cook so my oven experience is slim to none…350 seemed logical to me since every frozen pizza I’ve ever made seems to be cooked at that temperature. Plus, I was just too lazy to look it up). Don’t ask me how long I baked them, I just kept checking until I could “stick a fork in it and call it done” (said with a Southern drawl…not sure why, just sounds good). When I pureed the yams, I had to add more water to get the consistency I wanted, unlike the pears which naturally have more water in them.


You can see in the picture how lazy I was about labeling…if it didn’t completely fall off in the dishwasher, I just wrote over the existing label with a Sharpie. I'm so ghetto.


Bottom line: 2 regular sized pears made 2 jars. 1 regular sized yam made 6 jars. I saved a few pennies with the pears, but the significant savings were the yams. I paid $1.83 for two pears (at $2.99 a pound, this was a splurge for me) ~ so at $.89 to $.99 a jar, it wasn’t that much. But, I paid $2.39 for the yam ($1.99 per pound), which saved me about $3.00 in the end! Plus, there is no negative environmental effect, it’s healthier for my baby and I get to brag that “Oh Yeah, I make my own baby food”. Of course, I pulled out jarred food for her lunch today because I forgot to thaw the yams and pears. My role as a mommy is a work in progress.

Oh, and a word of advice, don’t forget to leave some space in the jar or they will explode in the freezer.

Also, tip number 2 ~ it might help to check if your garbage disposal is working before peeling all these healthful fruits and veggies into the sink, otherwise, you’ll be sticking your hand down the drain while images of a horror film flash through your mind: the disposal mysteriously turns on with your hand in it and the sink devours your entire body then spits you out of some other portal in your home as a big chunky mess of blood and guts, all over your husband.

I didn’t say that happened to me…I’m just saying…

I need a nap.


Wednesday, September 9, 2009

I now understand why sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009


While introducing my daughter to the Getty Museum this past holiday weekend, she became very inspired by the masters in the impressionist room to practice her vocal projection and duration, much to the dismay of the other guests. This is when we relocated her powerful lungs to the garden area outside where she could shout in the wind to her heart’s desire.

As my mother would say, she gets it honest. I just made a trip to the store by myself, rolled up the windows and rocked out to Joan Jett. I can only pray the Lilliputian doesn’t inherit her tone-deaf mother’s vocally challenged genes…

Friday, September 4, 2009

I played hooky from being a mom today. While grandma babysat and baby-daddy slaved away at his computer, I ran away from home.

I live in Venice Beach, California. And unless you’ve ever been here, it’s hard to describe. It’s a great little artsy, bohemian beach community just west of LA with as much eclectic architecture as people. I love the vibe. When my parents visited me for the first time after I moved out here, I asked my dad what he thought of our walk along the boardwalk. He said, “Interesting, but I never need to do that again.” I admit, it can be a bit overwhelming if you don’t enjoy masses of humanity.

I live in a great area away from the chaos. But all I have to do is hop on my single-speed, purple beach cruiser, ride a mile west and I’m ocean front. It’s lovely. There are quieter, more serene areas, but the crazy stretch of the boardwalk running from Venice Blvd on the south end, north to Santa Monica is filled with music, street performers, vendors, artists, drum circles and every imaginable age, shape, culture and ethnicity of humans you can find. It’s a melting pot of curiosity seekers and originality.


The video below is not that clear…took this with my cell phone while riding my bike. It’s just a snippet. Can’t possibly capture the experience with 30 seconds of video. Just to give you an idea, I was riding up the path and there was a film crew set up by one of the volleyball nets ~ girls in bikinis and a very tall man wearing a tuxedo on stilts. I’m guessing this was the dream sequence of some movie or TV show…oh, yes, film crews abound here. I love watching shows like Private Practice, Californication and others that shoot all over LA in locations I’ve been to…especially on the west side. I’ve become a sort of beach snob. Driving up to Hollywood or even east of the 405 is a journey to another planet. I prefer to stay beachside where my daily uniform consists of sundresses and flip-flops.



While enjoying lunch (and yes, a beer dare I admit it), I watched as a local girl twirled her hoola hoop on the beach for no less than 20 minutes straight, jogged down and hopped in the water, then twirled for another 20 minutes straight! The sense of freedom here is palpable and highly contagious. :)

So to all you mommies out there who feel guilty leaving your child to do something selfish…something just for YOU with no value other than stealing a little freedom…

SNAP OUT OF IT!

I feel refreshed, rejuvenated, reborn…albeit a little sunburned. Commercial Break: Incidentally, Hawaiian Tropic makes an amazing burn relief gel with Lidocaine.

It’s worth it to get out and treat yourself to whatever gives you new life. I happen to love where I live, so a bike ride in the fresh salty air is all that I need to lift my spirit. And interacting with all the energies along the boardwalk feeds my creativity.

What are you waiting for? Get out there and find your inspiration!

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Snot Sucking is an Art Form


How in the world can something called a “bulb syringe” actually remove slimies from an infant nostril the size of a pea?!? I am so freaking frustrated with these things…ARGHHH!

The best one I’ve found is from Little Remedies, called Little Noses – comes with the package. You slop some saline up in there (if you can get past the baby octopus blocking your path…I suggest a helping hand with this…no easy task), wait a minute or two then suck the snot out with the bulb syringe.

They have a pretty good design though ~ works better than the one we got from the hospital. Still…when there’s a lot of goop up there, just the tip of the iceberg gets pulled out and then you’re left wrestling with The Blob.

Poor baby.

;;