Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Rejection Sucketh

My daughter no longer wants the boob in the morning. I am devastated.

It is such an intimate act ~ nourishing my child with my own body. Think about it. It truly is a miracle. How our fleshy bag of bones “knows” how to do anything at all is a mystery. I’m really going to miss that cuddle time with her before getting out of bed.

We came a long way though. When she was newborn, she didn’t latch on at all. I spent hours crying and feeling completely worthless as a mother. Combine that with the overwhelming surge of postpartum hormones, lack of sleep resulting from a two-day labor and the inability to sit down without feeling like my chair was a medieval torture device…and you have the perfect ingredients for a complete meltdown. I couldn’t understand WHY my baby wouldn’t take my boob. Was it my bad breath? Ratty hair? The fact that all I wore in those first few insane weeks was a bath robe? I blamed myself. Then I yelled at her father.

After breaking down in the lobby at the Pump Station, a lactation consultant who was passing by in an attempt to exit the premises immediately turned around and whisked me into a private room…I suspect to prevent me from horrifying any of the preggos wandering around the store lest they hold on to the fantasy that becoming a new mother is going to be all sunshine and puppies in a basket.

She was AMAZING. Spent 10 minutes with us and changed my life. I thought babies popped out with magical powers: knowing how to breastfeed, bathe themselves and change their own diapers. Apparently my daughter was traumatized as much as I during the birth experience because she didn’t know anything when she came out. Baby horses (otherwise known as foals) walk minutes after birth. What is wrong with us? Humans rely on their mothers longer than any other species for survival. Turns out, some babies have to LEARN how to breastfeed. Yeah. Who would have thunk it? I was so jealous of my friends who never owned a pump. Breastfeeding was so “easy breezy” for them. {Grrr}

Anyway...Lia didn’t breastfeed for every feeding, but we eventually got into a nice little groove. She was on breast milk for 8 solid months (mostly by pumping), but since then my supply has slowly dwindled to nothing. I gotta say…pumping was a pain in the arse and I expressed my displeasure openly to the Baby-daddy any chance I could get. I’d really grown weary of it. There is no joy in hooking yourself up to a giant suction machine 3 to 5 times a day. I felt like nothing more than a cow in slippers. But now that I have my freedom again...I’m very sad. Oh the irony.

So here we are 10 months later. My baby girl is already growing up so fast and showing signs of independence. While I packed up my pump equipment today, I had a little panic attack. It’s really hitting me hard. I can’t imagine what it’s like for women who actually get to breastfeed the entire time when they wean. I guess everyone is different though, so my feelings are not going to be the same as the next mommy. But it’s pretty intense for me.

{Big Sad Face}

I guess I better get used to it. Before long she’ll be going off to school, then to college, overseas adventures, and probably to the moon by the time she’s 25.

And there’s nothing I can do about it…but watch her, guide her, comfort her, celebrate with her, and be the best mom I can be.


Post a Comment