Baby Spartan's Mom

I know, I know...a little late and a lot long. Ready, set, go...

LIA’S FIRST BIRTHDAY!

December 8th it was. Very neurotic I was.

I had decided to host a simple “Open House” and let people drop by in the afternoon on Saturday the 12th. The original plan was to provide some snacks, make it low key and not overdo it…there will be plenty of time for that, right?

WRONG. I went off the deep end.

I actually baked two cakes that week, made the frosting from scratch and decorated them myself. (See below for the cake parade)

Bought all kinds of silly decorations after I promised Baby-daddy I wouldn’t,



Organized all her photos from birth, printed and framed a select few for display. This one is a retrospective of her 1st week, 1st month, 3rd month, 6th month, 9th month and 1 year…(I said I went off the deep end didn't I?)



Made lots of signs and party favors for the guests,







Actually created wine bottle labels – the idea was to make something cute to hide the fact that we were serving “Two Buck Chuck” to our guests…but I became a mother obsessed. I spent three days making these labels…



I got really clever with this I must say. Check out the front and back…



And then I created a fancy spread when I was trying to keep it simple and, more importantly in my hour of unemployment, economical,



I completely rearranged furniture to be in “party mode” and found fun things that haven’t been touched in months neatly hidden under the couch…thus bringing to an end my excuse for not working out,



Only to have Lia completely reject my beautiful birthday cake,



And then burst into tears when we sang the birthday song to her,



There were so many people there. She was completely overwhelmed. She’s only been on earth for one year, just getting the hang of being a little human, and her mother throws a huge bash for her complete with loud drunks and screaming children. It was like a family reunion really.

This is the point where I felt like a selfish mother. I did all this for ME. Not for her. She’ll never remember it…and if she does, she’ll probably ask me to pay for her therapy when she’s 30.

Did I mention it rained all day and we lost power? Yeah.

Actually, the party was very fun. :) A lot more people showed up than I expected…even in the rain! Of course there were candles burning all over the house which made me a bit nervous what with the children running amuck. But it was fine.

Now, I need to back up for a moment. First of all, we had a little celebration on Lia’s actual birthday (which was Tuesday) with her grandparents in Ohio via Skype. For this intimate soiree, I decided to bake a sugar-free, all organic cake with homemade frosting. Since she had never had sugar before I didn’t want to shock her system. I was trying to be the good mommy and make a baby-friendly dessert. The ironic part about this is that ONLY good thing about this sad-looking cake was the frosting, and that even looked tired. I used Agave to sweeten the cake…which I’ve discovered is splendid in my tea every morning, but tastes like ass in baked goods.



I mean look at that lumpy white blob! Cute birthday hat though. :)

Lia thought the frosting was fun…but she didn’t want to dive into the cake like most one-year-olds do. So we smeared it on her nose. To satisfy ourselves, of course…



Does that make us bad parents?

THE CAKE(s)

After the first attempt, I was determined to make the best cake ever and not disappoint and ultimately embarrass my daughter on her first birthday, ruining her for life. (Like she really cared.) So, I went to a cake store and bought two heart shaped pie pans, one smaller than the other. Then, found a recipe for the “best easy cake mix” online…which happened to be a recipe someone got from their kid’s grade school. How could I screw this up right? I totally guessed at the amount of cake mix because of my odd-shaped pans and threw them in the oven.



I baked two large hearts and one small. Why not make this even more challenging for the mom-who-doesn’t-cook by creating a 3-tiered cake? Of course!



But they survived my dilapidated oven. Hurray!

After the hearts cooled, I also learned on the internet a fabulous trick for spreading frosting. Apparently, if you spread a very thin, watered down version of your frosting over the cake (which was heavy cream whipped fluffy with vanilla and cream cheese) then freeze it overnight, it catches all the little crumbies and “seals” the cake. This is called “Crumb Coat.” See there…I taught you something today.



The next day, the frosting glides on the cake and you don’t have to worry about serving your guests a ghetto-looking glob of dough. Perfect!

However, to spruce it up I thought, “Hmmm, let’s add some strawberries in between the layers.” Not knowing what I was doing, I just winged it. It was a very tense moment, but I pushed bravely on and nothing fell apart!



I stuck my three-tiered, strawberry-filled, crumb-coated cake in the freezer and prayed til morning.



The next day was the morning of her party. Nervously, I took the cake out of the freezer. To my surprise, the crumb coat worked! I easily painted the rest of the frosting over all the layers and produced a beautifully frosted, crumb-free piece of art!



Added fresh strawberries, raspberries, a candle and voila! Look at my cake!



Yes, I was very proud of this cake. I even accosted guests trying to leave early from the party so they could peek in the freezer at my gorgeous cake. (I said I got neurotic, didn’t I?) Now that I look back on this I realize how crazy they probably thought I was. Oh well. Lia won’t realize how damaged her mother is until she’s well into college. By then, she’ll have her own problems to deal with.

So…the moral of the story is, if you plan to go bananas for your first child’s birthday (which trust me, it WILL happen), just be sure to protect the innocent. I.e., watch your neuroses around the Baby-daddy. It’s not fair if the night before the party you go decide to go bat-sh*t crazy and attempt to lure them in to your freak show of compulsion. You’re better off going it alone on this one.

Happy Birthday Beautiful!




CHRISTMAS

We waited until the last minute to make Christmas plans and ended up not doing anything. Which was just fine with me after spending weeks on her birthday extravaganza. I was exhausted. Truly. But then, surprise, surprise! We had a last minute guest who was orphaned for Christmas. So I entertained…yet again. I’m getting really good at making garlic mashed potatoes btw.

Basically, between her first birthday and Christmas, our daughter has accumulated enough toys to start a preschool...





















Hope everyone had a beautiful holiday ~ however you celebrate this time of year. :) This pic is a house in the Venice Canals – can’t quite capture it in a photo. It’s actually two houses side-by-side that the owner decorates for every holiday.



Quite a spectacle with animatronic Santas, snowmen and giant helium filled balloons on the roof. I always wonder how the guy can afford it. I’ve heard this isn’t even where he lives all year round…that it’s just a vacation home. Then I remember, “Oh right, he owns 2 huge houses in the Venice canals. He's probably a famous actor or studio exec in Holly-weird. Duh.”

This is the land of the “haves” and the “have-nots.” Sadly, there are way more “have nots”. But that will change for us after Lia books her first Gap commercial!



NEW YEAR’S EVE

Lia played with the boys while mommy and daddy drank lots of champagne. Come to think of it, all her play dates are boys for some reason…takes after mommy I guess.

I love this photo…



Looks like baby boy #1 on the right is chatting up Lia, while baby boy #2 is making his move to get in on the action and push baby boy #1 out of the picture.

Lia looks like she’s saying, “You expect me to believe that? Moron.”

And I cooked. For people. Again! Yes, really.

Nothing like planning a last minute dinner party for New Year’s with other last minute parents. New-parent-syndrome I guess. All our kids are around the 1 year mark. No one wanted to get a babysitter. So we all landed at our place.

I rallied and Lia wore her new pretty blue dress for the occasion. Of course it lasted no more than 3 minutes when our guests arrived. She spilled water all over herself after freaking out because one of her boyfriends bopped her on the head. I told Baby-daddy to take this picture of us before something happened.



And I was right. I’m always right.

NEW YEAR’S DAY

Hanging out at home with Mom & Dad watching the Rose Parade on New Year’s Day…



I guess I should take the tree down now before people start to point and stare at us from the street.

Bye bye Christmas! See you next year tree! Adios lights! Arrivederci 50-year old claymation Rudolph! Farewell Vince Guaraldi Trio! See you next year Charlie Brown! See you next year…



And Happy New Year from Baby New Year!!!



p.s. What? It’s the last day of January. I can still officially say Happy New Year.
p.s.s. Can you tell I like Christmas?
p.s.s.s. {phew!} Is it going to be like this every year? Thanksgiving, Birthday, Christmas, New Year’s Eve…etc, etc… Guess I better get used to it.

{sigh}

I need a glass of wine.

Lia left a note for me today. I found it in her crib when I put her down for the night…

Dear Mother,

In the future, when making travel plans please don’t book our flight so early that it requires you to wake me before the sun rises. But if you fail to honor this request, do not expect me to maintain my sunny disposition for the rest of the day. Consider yourself warned.

And when you decide to keep me restrained in a stroller at LAX for two hours waiting to board the plane, don’t be surprised if I decide to jump around the aircraft shrieking like a spider monkey when you finally set me free. It also wouldn’t be wise to feed me lunch during air turbulence…I’m no expert here, but that just might be the reason I threw up all over the crib, then all over YOU last night before I finally collapsed into bed…at 1am.

And finally, I understand you grew up in the Midwest and love the snow, but I’m a California girl. Please do not force me to wear this god-awful getup ever again…I look like the Michelin Man. It is very unflattering.




Even when I turn to the side to make myself look thinner…



Nor do I appreciate 15 degree winds whipping in my face.



I apologize for losing my composure when you attempted to give me a bath earlier. But that was truly the last straw. You threw me into the biggest vat of water I’d ever seen, and there were white foamy things floating in my bath water! What were you thinking?! Who told you it would be a good idea to introduce me to a big person tub AND bubble bath at the same time in a strange environment after I’d been traumatized by a day of air travel? Tsk Tsk Mother…I’m growing weary of your lack of good judgment here.

Just remember… when I’m jet-lagged, you WILL suffer the consequences…


Capiche?

So Friday, during Armageddon Week, I decided to venture out and run some errands while the rain was merely spitting on us Angelenos. BIG mistake. As I was driving down Ocean Blvd in Santa Monica, there were some major flood areas I had to circumnavigate…and as I was in the midst of some clever maneuvering…the deluge began. It rained so hard and fast I couldn’t see a few feet in front of me. It was like a white out in the snow for a few minutes…scary stuff.

Heart racing, I drove very slowly and very carefully, singing to Lia the entire time to calm myself, and we arrived safely at our destination. “We made it sweetie!” I called out to the back seat. But when I turned around to look at her, she was sleeping. And I had to PEE!

Then, it started to HAIL.

I wanted to cry. Instead I texted a few people trying to take my mind off of the urge to jump out of the car and drop my drawers right there in the parking lot. Instead, I looked around the car and spotted a water bottle with a pretty big opening. I was waiting for the right time to climb into the back seat and use the receptacle as a toilet. My mind was racing trying to figure this all out…all the while my baby was sleeping peacefully, which was rare this past week with her cold and I couldn’t stand the thought of waking her. At one point, I even considered digging out one of her diapers and using it! I was in PAIN. I felt as bloated as this hippo I saw yesterday at the Los Angeles Zoo…(yes Lia’s first trip to the zoo!)



Suddenly, right on cue, the heavens stopped weeping. So I did what every mom has guiltily done at some point in her mommy career. I woke up my sleeping, sick child, threw my jacket over her head and ran into the store, desperate for a bathroom.

But my plight didn’t stop here…

I was there to get the alarm tag removed from an article of clothing that they left on when we purchased the item. So as soon as I rushed in the door, with a heavy toddler draped over my shoulder, looking crazed and foaming at the mouth, the salesperson stopped me and said politely but firmly, “Can I help you?”

GREAT.

I had to wait in line and deal with the stupid tag! All the while I could feel my urine floating up to my neck and holding a (now) very heavy child who was half asleep. When it was finally my turn, I fumbled with about 60 receipts and couldn’t find the damn thing! I cursed at her father blaming him for every problem in my life. He wasn’t there to defend himself so why not? I was frantic. Doing a little two-step at the counter, I tried in earnest to make it look like I was soothing my child, who at this point was snoring – no soothing required. FINALLY, the sales clerk became very annoyed with me and said, “Don’t worry about it,” promptly removing the tag just to get rid of me. Thank God. As soon as she was finished, I asked her in my calmest tone with an undercurrent of anxiety (you know what I mean), “Where’s the bathroom?” As if I didn’t urgently need to relieve myself. HA. Why I cared what they thought, I have no idea. I should have just said, “If you don’t let me go to the bathroom right now, I’m going to pee all over this floor.”

So, I raced up the stairs not bothering to look for the escalator and ran around the entire 2nd floor before I found the toilet. All this, mind you, while carrying a heavy diaper bag and a 25 pound sleeping child. I had to wake her up when I finally got there and boy did she let me have it! But she forgave me (she always does) and we ended up having a lovely day together.

Lesson learned. A sick toddler, hurricane conditions and overloading on liquids before leaving the house are not a good combination.

I’ll think twice now before having that second vat of tea before I take her anywhere. And I DID learn my lesson!

Here’s another photo of her falling asleep in the car on the way to the zoo yesterday –I drove all the way up to Silver Lake and was able to sit in the car once I arrived and wait for her to wake up.



Very proud of myself. :) Look how cute she is with her twisted little hat.

We’re flying next week very early in the morning…I plan to stop my intake of liquids well before I go to bed the night before. I know it’s not recommended to get dehydrated while traveling by plane, but my need to avoid that fiasco again trumps any sense of healthy habits.

Ciao for now.

It’s NUTS in LA this week. Well, we all know LA is crazy. But I’m talking about the weather. Raining every single day since last weekend. And I mean torrential downpours with thunder, lightening, hail and even a tornado in Huntington Beach! I mean, what the hell? Is God punishing all the talent agents and producers in Hollywood? This kind of weather just doesn’t happen here. It was raining sideways today. SIDEWAYS. And it’s every day, non-stop relentless storms. It’s like the Terminator is in control of the heavens. Oh wait, that’s our governor, in control of our floundering state. But that’s another rant for another day…

It also sucks because this is the week I became a single mom. Well, not really. Baby-daddy is traveling. But I feel like a single mom this week. With a sick kid. And it’s my fault. I got her sick. Smart mom that I am decided to go for a walk in the cold last week when it started to sprinkle…wearing hardly anything for clothing, flip-flops and no hat…down by the beach no less where it can be freezing in the winter. Well, not like Chicago freezing. I spent 13 miserable winters in Chicago. Now that is cold. So cold and so windy some days that you can’t even breathe without turning your head to the side when you get off the train just to walk another 10 blocks downtown facing the lake in the direction of the wind where it whips through the streets as the tall buildings create a natural wind tunnel on your way to work every morning to a job you can’t stand, making you wonder why you ever crawled out of bed in the first place.

But I digress.

Try putting your sick kid to bed for the 5th time when hail starts banging against the window and scares the crap out of both of you.

{breathe Annette…just breathe}

{Don’t you think I would if I could? I have a head cold, dumbass.}

{Great. Now I’m having conversations with myself.}

{What do you expect? I’m sick and stuck in a house alone with a sick toddler who’s only word as of 3 days ago is “hi” (very cute btw), while Armageddon is taking place just outside the door, preventing us from escaping even for an hour to enjoy the beautiful Southern California weather that saved me from my frigid, Siberian existence in Chicago.}

{Now you’re just being dramatic.}

On the bright side, the weather people here are livin’ high on the hog. They actually have something to discuss other than their standard cheese shtick. I mean, how many creative ways can you say the forecast is “sunny and 70s”?

The ironic part is that Baby-daddy and I dodged a bullet this year. We were actually considering a move to La Crescenta, a beautiful little area at the foothills of the San Gabriel Mountains in the Angeles National Forest. A bit farther away from the beach than I wanted to live, but they have the best public schools. Plus, you get more bang for your buck there. We looked at countless homes last summer but decided not a week before the Station fires started burning to bag that idea. Now, the entire area up there is evacuated because of the mudslides.

As I type this, another deluge of rain is blasting through…sideways! Not kidding. And the guy across the street is standing at his window looking out at the spectacle, again. I keep seeing this guy. All week long we’ve both been standing at our giant windows staring at the weather. Either he works from home, is a stay-at-home dad or is unemployed. Considering I’ve only seen him holding a cell phone and never a child, and the fact that California’s unemployment rate is at its highest since 1940, I’m guessing choice C.

Our power went out twice this week, which is does EVERY time it rains for more than a day in Venice (I think the city engineers need to take a field trip to Seattle). Annoying. Really annoying. This is the problem with living in a town that is full of bohemian hippies. Everyone is high. Even city council. Nothing ever gets done! Anyway, the rain came pouring in through the hallway ceiling, ruining some framed photos on the wall. So all week, I’ve had candles and flashlights sitting in easy-to-find places around our home, plus a bowl to catch the water dripping down the wall in the hallway.

Lia thinks this is fun. She keeps picking up the bowl, which is half her size, and carrying it all over the house. Here she is running away from me…



Whatever makes her happy right? Watching the news makes me reassess my standards for comfort. I can handle a little darkness, a little wetness, a little noise…my daughter is safe, healthy and happy. I couldn’t ask for anything more.



{Now go to bed Annette. The baby is sleeping. You go now!}

{Alright already! I’m leaving. Just as soon as I eat this piece of chocolate mousse pie I found in the freezer and finish watching the Friends rerun I’ve already seen 20 times.}

{Okay fatty. Such an exciting life you have.}

{Now that’s just mean.}

To fill my quota for posting this week as I have TRULY been very productive (I PROMISE), I decided to post this photo of me that was taken a few months prior to conceiving the little monster...er, I mean, my precious daughter. The manic in me decided to completely reorganize and back up my computer this week...which is like watching your own version of "This is Your Life".



The narcissist in me LOVES this photo. Reminds me of my fabulous, carefree, pre-Mommy days.

Today, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw some strange woman looking back at me. Greasy hair, check. No makeup, check. Sweet potato stains on shirt sleeve, check. Crazed grin plastered across face from finding diapers on sale at Toys R Us, check.

{sigh}

...and I love every minute of it!

I feel like a walking cliché when I say this…but my GOD, time flies when you have a baby. I started this blog thinking I could handle writing in bite-sized chunks every day, but it’s been over a month since my last post…the post that was supposed to make you laugh and explain my absence…the post that was supposed to redeem my tardiness…the post that was supposed to inspire me to be more on top of this whole blogging thing. Well, here we are, 37 days later and we can throw that out the window.

With Lia’s birthday, Christmas and then New Year’s Eve…I have so many excuses! The holidays are the perfect time to procrastinate. Who can argue, right?

I just rented Julie & Julia. (Of course, I should have been writing instead of watching a movie, but that’s another post on my blog called “Top Ten Mind-Numbingly Boring Things Annette Does to Avoid Writing”). ANYWAY…anyone else seen that movie? I loved it and could completely relate to Julie when she bubbled over with excitement after someone finally commented on her blog. But it turned out to be her mom. BTW…thanks Jimmy…you are so far my only fan. :) Jim is one of my brothers…I have 4 brothers…all older than me. You’d think that being the youngest and having 4 older brothers would make me one tough cookie. Not so my friends. I may act tough on the outside, but inside? I’m a weeping mess of insecurity and neediness. I crave praise. {Yes, that is a direct hint}

Hmmm…I bet if I tried to write something every day like Julie did I might actually develop a real fan base that would keep me coming back to my computer every day. Even “Twitter” sized “tweets”! I mean, how hard can it be? It’s all about self-discipline, right?

Hmmm….thinking, thinking, thinking...

Well, let’s be realistic, shall we? FAT CHANCE. This is ME we’re talking about. The mom who at this moment is looking at a pile of half-folded baby laundry (an endless and thankless job), the vacuum cleaner that never made it back to its home because she never finished vacuuming LAST week (might as well leave it out now), and the first birthday party decorations still hanging on the wall for over a month, including the very sad, partially deflated balloons that every few days pop and scare the crap out of the baby.



Maybe if I start my new year off with a promise to post on my blog at least once a week, I could handle that.

Yes, this is what I’ll do! So, you, whoever you are, will be my witness:

I PLEDGE TO POST ON THIS BLOG AT LEAST ONCE A WEEK FOR THE NEXT MONTH, STARTING TODAY.

Let’s see if I can stop being ADD for 30 days and live up to my own expectations. I’m nervous already.

Stay tuned…